#LIM WILLY#

... long lost entry ...

2008-02-01T06:24:00.001-08:00

Long since I updated and wrote in my own blog. Ironically, tons of people outside bugging and wanting to pay me to design and publish web-sites and web-servers for them but yet my own blog is just some blogspot templates =/

New House!
----------
I shall start by saying its a new year yet again but now its the chinese new year. My house is finally ready. All the renovation and shifting is almost completed. But I am nowhere near unpacked. My things are still in the boxes, althought my furnitures and my electronics are already done up and placed nicely. Thank YOU for helping me unpack and shift my things.

My Birthday!
------------
I like my new room!! I think its really very comfy and a place I will want to stay and nua in. New display unit, new tables, new sofa(someone's fav colour somemore)! LoL. Shall try to unpack my boxes sometime soon but there are things I dunno where I should keep them.

Have really been very busy since the start of 2008. In every aspect of my life from sports to work to play. IV and IH just ended. That marks the end of my "physical" activities too. I need to find time to exercise too man. LoL.

Ups and downs ever since the year started. Lets start with the first activity, my birthday! Had a really pleasant surprise from my NTU Squashies! They came over at 12midnight to celebrate my brithday, made me play games, tekan me and make me drink. Had wonderful presents but most precious of all was that 3-gifts though again they were belated! Haha. But on that day itself i received my best present, presented to me in SRC. Thank you girl's team for the nice squash head bag. Thank you guy's team for the Bata working bag and shoe polish! Thank you squashies and of course thank YOU.

Thank you hall 2 lao langs for the shirt and socks you people bought me! Thank you OMC for the cake, the card and the booklet!

Thank you all those that wished me happy birthday. Sorry I did not reply cause I was being tekan and I was like sub-concious most of the time but nonetheless, Thank You All!

IVP
---
IVP was dissapointing. Finished 3rd. But shall not mention it any further. Its a team game and team effort but least we came in 3rd. Train hard and do better in the upcoming competition during the mid-year! Thank YOU for supporting my every match.

IHG
---
Woohoo! First time play IHG for hall 2. Proud to say all the games I participated all went to the FINALS! Squash - Champions, Table tennis - Seecond, Tennis - coming Monday! Had great and wonderful teams. Well done especially for table tennis. Back then I remembered how we were so worried we could not make it to even the quarter-finals but thats how far we got to - FINALS! Well done Yong Wah, Charlotte and Jia Ying and all the players for the committment! Squash? Simply trashing! LoL. Well done to all sports people in Hall 2! And again, thank YOU for always being there for my every match.

MHA
---
Work work... pathetic pay indeed, $560 and everyday have to OT PLUS Sat and Sun have to go back for more OT! Oh my tian. But very happy with the job scope. Doing what I really want to do. And giving me a chance to broaden my knowleage on workflows and web applications. C#, .NET and Microsoft Visual Studio. Presentations and presentations, hate them but they teach us well. Nice supervisors, late for work is okay, helpful, caring and most importantly, apporachable. Security is super tight, no camera phone and cannot bring any work out of office. Least my mother is working there, I feel more comfortable with her bringing me around and getting to know people. A recent project, was well implemented and time spent wisely. The supervisors think I am a First-Class Honours student. LOL! But in reality I am far from it. Guess I didn't spend enough time for myself back then. Time to buck up. Its not too late. Finally, thank YOU for waiting for me or accompanying me to eat dinner everyday.

Both physically and mentally tired. I think i need a good break. This Chinese New Year will be a great break. Need time to rest and recover fast before my hectic life starts again. Time flies. I am so old already. Time to start thinking of whats going to come next and what am I going to do next.

I know you had been, have and will always be there for me. For that I thank YOU.

Planned the Plan Plannings.

2007-12-30T18:48:00.000-08:00

Have been busy with IH and IV trainings as well as competition. Those that I played in, namely Table tennis, Tennis and Squash have all done pretty well to reach the quarter-finals. Many more wins to come I hope. Hope to grab the IV champ too. This may be my last chance too.

Both National treasure and Warlords are great movies to catch.

Watched 2 movies in 2 days, long have I done that.
Watched 1 movie 2 times, long have I done that.
That song, long have I played it.
New song, long have I composed any.

I guess I just need to get back on the right track.
Wake up from my dreams and walk out of my dreamland.
Last year in school, last year of studies, last year of school committments.
Time to move on, time to self-examine.
A new year, a new start, a new beginning.

In the end, I want to be standing at the beginning with you.

All I wanted was...

2007-12-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

Everyday I see her lying on my bed,
every morning I wake up to see her beside me,
every afternoon she will drag me into my afternoon naps,
every evening she will welcome me back to the room,
every night I will hold her and bid each other "good night".

Everytime I have tell myself, she is not YOU.

All I wanted was YOU and feel and know that I love you.

I do not understand.

2007-12-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

I really do not understand,

how does one speak of things,
how does one feel of things,
how does one see of things,

what does one expect of things,

why does one still hope,
why does one still want to care,
why does one still want to know,
why does one still want to be around,
why does one even still want to be a "gurdian angel",

who does what,

when its your choice,
when you have chosen it,

and everything is over.

Seeing people around me, to those who just got together. Here's wishing you people all the best. Its never perfect and it can never be. But it is the differences that will join two pieces of jigsaw puzzle together to form the picture perfect.

For those who are out of love, I do not know what to say for I myself do not know how to handle it either.

Just Saturday, I went shopping for my new house with my mother the entire day when I met her brother at City Hall. I wanted to call out to him but I did not. For I realised I would not know what to talk to him about and I hardly knew him even though that was her brother.

Exam has finally ended but I am still at West Coast Macdonalds, accompanying Darren and Jon Yong to study since they have yet to finish their exam.

Canvassing -> Malaysia - > OMC Chalet. Just try to keep myself busy and occupied.

To choose and not to be choosen.

Meaningful song VS Song of meanings

2007-11-24T19:02:00.000-08:00

非常特别的你(蔡淳佳)歌词：

我心中有个你
没分开就开始想起
那回忆牵我的手很紧
带我穿越风和雨

遇见你遇见自己
你的笑像风和日丽
那快乐希望都因为你
只能是你我的唯一

我爱上你的我那一天
一直美丽到永远
给我安全感和真实的温暖

就算你变我也不会离开
爱过的心还在等待
就算风在吹他也吹不走
我的生命中非常特别的你

让世界很小
我的记忆到你的心跳
让世界都留在你的笑
随时感觉和你拥抱

天和地消失了距离
闭上眼我就在你怀里
担心我没有错
睁开眼就看见
非常特别的你

Use of doctors...

2007-11-24T16:09:00.001-08:00

2 of 5 papers down.

1st was horrible, 2nd was a a give away. 3 more to go. No time, no mood and no choice. Study smart now...

Thank you for all the tutorial answers you have taken photo of - 87 images. Wouldn't have survived till now without them. Though even with them I am still barely surviving but least I survived thus far. Thank you for your messages thus far though I have yet to replied your last. I will before the next paper.

Saturday just ended. Congratulations to the newly wedded couple, Runhua and Meisi, once again. May you two live the path the Lord has set upon thy feet and may you two treasure each other, staying loving and caring, together forever. Trust in the Lord always for He is our shepard, our light and He will never forsake us. God bless you two.

Haven't been able to study since the last paper on Friday. Been busy whole day with Runhua's wedding. And now I realise time is not on my side. I have to try to keep up with time. Used to hate doctors, I have never seen a doctor for very long. Perhaps the number of times I have visited a doctor in my entire life can be counted with a single hand. But I finally realised what doctors are good for and why they are needed in the society. They exist for students who cannot finish studying for their paper and these students can visit them to get a piece of important paper. though it only cost $20, but that could save you from an F. Thinking if I should really do it this time round for my Tuesday paper. I am nowhere near eligible to take that paper as of yet. Will I be able to pull through? God knows.

Once again all the best, for those who have yet started and those who have this last week to go and those having fun out there. Study smart and play hard. Take care and good luck all.

Use of doctors.

2007-11-24T16:08:00.000-08:00

6 more days and counting...

2007-11-14T16:04:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I just did not want or know how to let go.

But I guess I have to do it somehow.

Just like I have to pass all my subjects this semester miraculously.

God bless me and God bless all for the coming exams.

Replied the Replyable Reply.

2007-11-11T08:37:00.000-08:00

Someone wrote on 2007-11-11 22:28:00

That entry was meant for me
to see, to feel.
Since we had both ended our note
im not even sure if it would be right for me to even talk about it.

I thank you.
for writing that whole entry of words.
it has always been this tiny dream of mine
for you to write a long letter to me.
it came with a different intention
nevertheless it really touched me greatly.
i re-read many times
each time filled with tears.
Thank You.

i woke up this morning,
and the entire day
stopping myself from texting you.
just a button short from getting the message from you.

Im not sure if you're even expecting me to reply
or was i just trying too hard to be in self denial
to keep pushing things
till it reaches a point where's there is really no redemption.
I dont remember acting like this,
i never like to leave things, thinking that its really the end.

"lack of assurance from you, resulted in me to not contribute in this relationship.
coz im no longer confident about it anymore. Then it generated to problems.
Coupled with the hurdle of bad communications..
We have always been trapped in this cycle.
and been trying very hard to find the solution.
and overtime, we got tired.
we tried to break out of it by choosing the easiest way out."

I agree.
We never had proper communications when it comes to sensitive issues.

Im pretty confident i know you as an individual.
as my bf, perhaps i should step back and think again.
there were times i really doubt your words,
coz i matched them with your "individual" personality
and not as my bf.

I apologise for saying this
but i really do not recall any apologies from you.
I've never heard you muttered any word of sorry.
i dont recall me saying sorry to you either.
i regret that too.

I think when i tried to step out
by telling you my feelings,
i never really word it directly.
i put it in an ambiguous way
because i know you'll know,
that im feeling uncomfortable.
and like ive mentioned
i never really wanted to seek a solution
but just some comfort.

im sorry that my indifference attitude caused so much trouble.
which was why i always told you to feel from me
and not hold on to some belief.

***

It pains me
to know that you almost gave up squash
for me.
I never did realise that
and for you to do that
i really hate myself for making you do so.

To me,
your achievements in any areas,
have always make me real proud of you.
Coz i can say
"Look, thats my guy!"
But there has never been anything
for you to claim that im good at
nothing for you to be proud of me
which really puts me back further.

I wont go into details about what ive done for you
coz they would be just trivial things in comparison to yours.
Each time i only can only feel inferior and helpless.
I havent been confident enough to do anything great for you
despite you giving all that you had.

Before i left that day
remember i did ask what was it gonna be of us?
Coz i was really lost
i needed you to guide me/us.
So when you said lets just be us,
i really thought you knew what to do.
i didnt know you were waiting for me to tell you.
and that
really would have meant a lot more.

I meant it when i said to you,
"Willy never once reject my request"
but i never did tell you the other part to it
and that is
"and im always rejecting his".

The reason why i decided to step back from this relationship
is because i feel that both of us are just too jaded
to do anymore for our relationship.
i cant keep relying on you to push me
i need to find my own confidence again.
And the fact that i feel its for the better of us
to really take a break,
the 2 weeks just wasnt adequate i suppose.
Since very long ago
i realised what went wrong
but when i finally figured what i can do
and did it
nothing changed for the better to last long enough.

I dont know how or when
or whether or not we'll even be able to find a solution to all our problems.
I think we're both traumatised enough
and very very jaded.

Thus i proposed it.
and i was hoping you would tell me no.
no need to beg
i just want your opinion.

****

Im sorry this entry has no flow
i dont think i can even go back and edit it.
Mentally shagged, emotionally strained.

***

Your love for me is so much greater than mine
that
it really puts me to shame.

my dear silly boy,
dont cry.
HUG.
You didnt fail
it just didnt go right.
I didnt play my part in making everything of ours go right either.
Im really sorry.

Examine the Examinable Examination

2007-11-10T12:37:00.000-08:00

I have been wanting to say all these but I haven't even got a chance to do so (for you know why yourself). Since its already the end, i shall leave my final note...

If interested please read the previous post before jumping into this post.

"why is it when things happen, people just cant apologise
and give a hug to the other party and make up and let the unhappiness flow with time."

I really dunno why either.
How many times do you want me to do it?
Have you ever done it before?

I dun remember if you ever promised me you'll always be there for me.
But if you ever did, I rather not remember that you did.
It always pondered to me, if we were not in the same school, how often or how much time we will spend together.
Leave alone even my Birthday, what about my squash finals, my music performances?
Were you even ONCE there?

"WORDS ARE CHEAP.
AND
PROMISES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN."

The FIRST time you said "I will", gazing into both my eyes, your seriousness and sincerity warmth my heart of assurance. (I will always remember that look of yours)
And you,further reassuring me of that feeling, I was going to give everything to this eternity of ours.
Aren't you the first to break it and shatter all of that?
I was strong despite you shut me and US out totally for a month.
Even people around me never stood by me for the purpose of the fight.
But I persevered because I loved and I saw those eyes of yours.
Over the moon that we were back together but I guess the SECOND time happened, yet is you again.
Amazingly you want me to be who I was back then. Sorry but I am weak myself.
And when you wanted to come back, I cannot be less than that it seems I am the one fighting and trying to keep the fire burning.
And the story goes on... everything its about me this, me that, me like this, me like that, me do this, me do that, me never do this and me never do that.
Was there ever a time its about you?

I guess I want to add on to this sentence, "FEELINGS ARE NOTHING BUT YOUR OWN WISHFUL THINKING."

... even till the very end, its still about me ...

"who had said communication will lead you through a better relationship with your lover and friends?
i think its all bull-shit."

Did we ever communicated?
Oh we did communicate?
Or was that called blaming immediately instead?
It never did was a communication when it all started and already settled that "I am in the wrong."

"Always look for someone who is true to you, be it a friend, a playmate, a lover, a soulmate,.
Someone who quarrels with you but the cold war doesnt last more than 24hours.
Someone who apologies to you even he/she is not at fault.
Someone who apologies coz he/she knows he has hurt you from the way you sound.
Someone who would overlook all these.

GREATER EXPECTATIONS COME WITH GREATER DISAPPOINTMENT."

Since when was I never true to you? Right until the very last moment when I have nothing to hold on to, who was I still fighting for?
How many times do you want me to keep fighting when all you always do is hang our relationship by the thread.
Making the term "Break up" seems so simple and everytime you mention that, I am expected to fight again.

Am I not the one who doesn't want cold war more than 24 hours? For simple fact I cannot bear to see us in such state. My Pain.
Have I not apologized enough? My Pride.
Have I not overlooked enough? Lie to myself that you are not, My Feeling.
To all the guys out there, you must remember this statement which is very true, Greater Expectations Come With Greater Disappointment.
Precisely I cared too much, I apologized too much and I overlooked too much that it became taken granted for.
These will forever keep building up - Greater Expectations.
You will fail one day when you finally run dry and the result? Greater Disappointment.

And I have seen it for myself:
Never apologize if its never your fault.
Never brush away those unsettled unhappiness.

And with the 2 new sentences I agree with her next important point:

"NEVER ALLOW YOUR HEART TO RULE
COZ IT WILL ALWAYS FAIL ON YOU."

Do not give in just because you love.
Do not let things be just because you still love.

IF YOU REALLY LOVE, DO WHAT IS RIGHT.

I am tired.

***

"all i want is to seek your understanding"

DId you seek my understanding?
Were your messages, "Hey, I am feeling ...", "Hey, I need ..."
Or were they, "Must you do this ...", "Why you cannot ..."

"but just this time, this very time,
when i let my guard down
trusting you to catch me when i fall
and unveil this whole true feelings of mine"

I never ever guarded against US, probably thats why I fell so hard time and time again that I cannot even pick myself up.
I am already squeezed dry.
Did you ever catch me for even once?

"stabbed me a thousand times
caught me off guard totally,"

I am already numb of the stabbings.

"when i spoke from the bottom of my heart
you betrayed my poor heart
telling it that "we're gg by your decision". "

Again you bring up the matter of separation.
What do you want of me again?
Stop you?
Rebutal you?
Start to go into depression and plead you time and time again NOT TO LEAVE ME?
It really do seems like a simple issue to bring up separation time and time again.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT OF ME?

I never did smile from deep inside ever since. Don't know if you even realise.
All I had was myself and my own assurance to hold on to and to fight on.

"you said you were waiting for me to tell you what i want from you
i can only say
i wanted a hug
all these while.
just so to let me know everything will be okay.
from you."

I was waiting, I no longer knew what else I can do.
What's the point of saying all these now when you could have just told me back then.
Have I ever rejected you of anything you wanted?
Have I ever not done anything you want me to do?
Have I not tried hard enough to be what you want me to be?
Have I not done and tried my VERY BEST?

***

You wanted a world that there is only US.
I gave up everyone around me. Even my closest guys you did not like me to spend late nights with them
I gave them up.
In school who else do I have other than Junyi?
No one.

You rejected my squash participation.
I became inactive in NTU squash. I left everything with Ben Toh and tried to do the minimal.
I never go down for Safra Trainings anymore ended up I hardly played for the league due to my incompetence.
I gave up one of my squash Finals simply because it was "our Saturday"
Every Thrusday I will make sure I drive to school so that I could send you out after school before my training and
so I did not have to stay over in Ben Toh's Room so that the next morning I could still go school with you.
Even when I am playing squash, I have to constantly worry about not replying you which will deem "You no longer is important".

You wanted to join a CCA.
I know you will want me in it along with you.
Never really wanted to but you took up Secretary of Piano Ensemble.
I became the Music Director of Piano Ensemble, ended up I have so much to do.
Eventually it seems like I was attending all the meetings but where were you?

I will not forget the duet we performed at Esplanade. It was like my dream since young with the one you love.

Academic.
I never left you behind in any aspect.
Have I not been there?
You knew everything I knew.
I would make sure that your lab finishes before I complete mine even if I were to cripple my own labs.
I hate waking up at 830am but I would just to book labs and do them together with you.
Thank you for always providing tutorial answers for me.

US.
I could not bear the fact that since we are in the same school, same course, same timetable that is equivalent to us spending time.
Holiday? We only met once a week, every Saturday.
Any other days? We cannot even sit down to have a simple meal.
We never talked on the phone, and smses were countable with 1 hand within a day.
Is this even a decent relationship?

***

I cried when I have seen all that you have wrote. And this is why so...
These were tears of self-disappointment.
The many times I read of the 2 post you had, the more I look down on myself. Useless.
I have put in to the every extend of my effort much more than I could possibly give but yet things turn out this way still.

Sorry, but deep down I really think I am not good enough for you.
For simple fact, I have loved and I have failed.
That I had became a passer-by in your life.

Thank you and finally like you have said it, g-o-o-d-b-y-e to both you and me and to the many others that were created by US.
I will forget all the created names but one, the one on my bed always, for she is now my most precious belonging.

And in reply to your message if you do ever see this too, those things I have given you are yours and for you to deal with. If you have decided on what to do with them go ahead with it, they are yours to begin with.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And I ask myself, how am I possibly going to do it? Can I? Will time really heal or it has already been a scar deep within?
Will scars ever disappear?

S.E.N.S - Future, Forbidden Love (Forever my favourite)
Guang Liang - Tong Hua (Forever for you only will it be)

Things not supposed to happen, happened. Things supposed to happen, did not happen.

2007-11-10T09:39:00.000-08:00

These aren't my words but it shall start from here...

Someone wrote on Saturday, November 10th, 2007 @ 12:25 am:

some things that are gone should be left to the past
not dug up
to humiliate, to blame or to quarrel about.

why is it when things happen, people just cant apologise
and give a hug to the other party and make up and let the unhappiness flow with time.

why cant i just get comfort from this special person
who's my guardian angel, who watches over me?

please, dear all, dont ever promise that you'll always be there for anyone
dont always say you have always love this person
coz there's really nothing that last for eternity.
not from ex-lovers, let alone friends who had once made that promise.

"We'll see each other through the next 10 years, heck, till we're old!"

WORDS ARE CHEAP.
AND
PROMISES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN.

tell me, who is there to trust in this society other than the people who has brought you to this world.

never try to turn back with hope.
i took a step out, wanting to be comfort only.
but situation/people just had to conjured up bad feelings
that make me feel weak.

this is the part that i really hate to see myself.
when have i became this weak?

who had said communication will lead you through a better relationship with your lover and friends?
i think its all bull-shit.

dont ever say pretend everything's normal
when things are not even starting to move towards the better.

IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO CLAP.
ONE TO SLAP.

Always look for someone who is true to you, be it a friend, a playmate, a lover, a soulmate,.
Someone who quarrels with you but the cold war doesnt last more than 24hours.
Someone who apologies to you even he/she is not at fault.
Someone who apologies coz he/she knows he has hurt you from the way you sound.
Someone who would overlook all these.

I havent been able to find this person. I dont think i had ever try to look for someone like this.
many times when i trusted my own instincts, which proved to have failed many times.

There isnt such a thing as perfectionist. We all strive to be something we arent.
As a result, we expect that people around us to be, perfect.

GREATER EXPECTATIONS COME WITH GREATER DISAPPOINTMENT.

you can ignore the entire entry but please, remember the words in bold and caps.

NEVER ALLOW YOUR HEART TO RULE
COZ IT WILL ALWAYS FAIL ON YOU.

i think we have thrown this relationship deep into a pit hole
and none of us is willing to slog to even try to pick it up from deep within.
Let it stay there.
Let time and nature heal it.
Soon it will all just become memories,
that has fade with time.

We have failed.
No longer 'us'
Accept it.

**********

when i brought up my thoughts,
all i want is to seek your understanding
not asking for a solution
not for me to propose something either.

all i want is a hug from you.
nevermind about the reasons
i need comfort and assurance.

nevertheless
it always fail
always ended up in quarrel
or even worst than i can imagine

i should learn to believe that
"hoping" no longer works.
changes in attitude is something i cannot help
and cannot overlook.
only to sit there and watch everything deteriorate, helplessly.

its time we all admit
that we're just passerbys in each other life.
that we are very different people
with different ways of handling things.

we may have stayed longer than we actually should,
in each other life.
thus causing much more conflicting views/misunderstandings.

no one bothers to clear them
no one bothers..
anymore.

i admit my bad in the earlier times
but just this time, this very time,
when i let my guard down
trusting you to catch me when i fall
and unveil this whole true feelings of mine
always remember that very day
when i turned up teary eye
and left with 2 swollen.

so this time around
you seriously turned me around
and stabbed me a thousand times
caught me off guard totally, unprepared.

when i spoke from the bottom of my heart
you betrayed my poor heart
telling it that "we're gg by your decision".

i had always believe that when you truly love someone
you'll turn back
to this very person
no matter how badly he/she has hurt you.

i think ive turned back enough
i am left with nothing to continue pursuing this "happiness".

i never thought this smile
(you always made me smile/laugh like an ediott)
would actually get erased by the very same person
who had brought me this wonderful thing.

remember the video/song you made for me?
we'll end, with it.
coz
that is when i started to believe that fairytale really
does come true.

***

you said you were waiting for me to tell you what i want from you
i can only say
i wanted a hug
all these while.
just so to let me know everything will be okay.
from you.

isnt it all too late to say all these now?

Goodbye.

***

In the beginning... or is it in the end...

2007-09-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007 @ 9:31 pm

if YOU ever see this:

i wanna thank you for everything for the past almost 2 years
it feels like forever when we were together
then everything ended.

been through many ups and downs
we held on to everything
good or bad
right or wrong
we overlook all these.
yet
just this time
we decided to let it all go

there isnt anything for me to say
for you had decided on it already
i think its for the best of us too.

only good memories will leave a trail in me
bad ones i really cant recall
but all these
will not matter anymore.

this day had come
im more or less prepared for it
strangely but true
and dont ask why didnt i do anything about it.

this time i will not shed a tear
i will not think back on the days when we were once happy
coz all these will just make everything else meant nothing
and only make me feel even worst.

i will miss everything about you
about us.

The End.