Replied the Replyable Reply.

Someone wrote on 2007-11-11 22:28:00

That entry was meant for me
to see, to feel.
Since we had both ended our note
im not even sure if it would be right for me to even talk about it.

I thank you.
for writing that whole entry of words.
it has always been this tiny dream of mine
for you to write a long letter to me.
it came with a different intention
nevertheless it really touched me greatly.
i re-read many times
each time filled with tears.
Thank You.

i woke up this morning,
and the entire day
stopping myself from texting you.
just a button short from getting the message from you.

Im not sure if you're even expecting me to reply
or was i just trying too hard to be in self denial
to keep pushing things
till it reaches a point where's there is really no redemption.
I dont remember acting like this,
i never like to leave things, thinking that its really the end.

"lack of assurance from you, resulted in me to not contribute in this relationship.
coz im no longer confident about it anymore. Then it generated to problems.
Coupled with the hurdle of bad communications..
We have always been trapped in this cycle.
and been trying very hard to find the solution.
and overtime, we got tired.
we tried to break out of it by choosing the easiest way out."

I agree.
We never had proper communications when it comes to sensitive issues.

Im pretty confident i know you as an individual.
as my bf, perhaps i should step back and think again.
there were times i really doubt your words,
coz i matched them with your "individual" personality
and not as my bf.

I apologise for saying this
but i really do not recall any apologies from you.
I've never heard you muttered any word of sorry.
i dont recall me saying sorry to you either.
i regret that too.

I think when i tried to step out
by telling you my feelings,
i never really word it directly.
i put it in an ambiguous way
because i know you'll know,
that im feeling uncomfortable.
and like ive mentioned
i never really wanted to seek a solution
but just some comfort.

im sorry that my indifference attitude caused so much trouble.
which was why i always told you to feel from me
and not hold on to some belief.

***

It pains me
to know that you almost gave up squash
for me.
I never did realise that
and for you to do that
i really hate myself for making you do so.

To me,
your achievements in any areas,
have always make me real proud of you.
Coz i can say
"Look, thats my guy!"
But there has never been anything
for you to claim that im good at
nothing for you to be proud of me
which really puts me back further.

I wont go into details about what ive done for you
coz they would be just trivial things in comparison to yours.
Each time i only can only feel inferior and helpless.
I havent been confident enough to do anything great for you
despite you giving all that you had.

Before i left that day
remember i did ask what was it gonna be of us?
Coz i was really lost
i needed you to guide me/us.
So when you said lets just be us,
i really thought you knew what to do.
i didnt know you were waiting for me to tell you.
and that
really would have meant a lot more.

I meant it when i said to you,
"Willy never once reject my request"
but i never did tell you the other part to it
and that is
"and im always rejecting his".

The reason why i decided to step back from this relationship
is because i feel that both of us are just too jaded
to do anymore for our relationship.
i cant keep relying on you to push me
i need to find my own confidence again.
And the fact that i feel its for the better of us
to really take a break,
the 2 weeks just wasnt adequate i suppose.
Since very long ago
i realised what went wrong
but when i finally figured what i can do
and did it
nothing changed for the better to last long enough.

I dont know how or when
or whether or not we'll even be able to find a solution to all our problems.
I think we're both traumatised enough
and very very jaded.

Thus i proposed it.
and i was hoping you would tell me no.
no need to beg
i just want your opinion.


****

Im sorry this entry has no flow
i dont think i can even go back and edit it.
Mentally shagged, emotionally strained.

***

Your love for me is so much greater than mine
that
it really puts me to shame.

my dear silly boy,
dont cry.
HUG.
You didnt fail
it just didnt go right.
I didnt play my part in making everything of ours go right either.
Im really sorry.