Examine the Examinable Examination

I have been wanting to say all these but I haven't even got a chance to do so (for you know why yourself). Since its already the end, i shall leave my final note...

If interested please read the previous post before jumping into this post.



"why is it when things happen, people just cant apologise
and give a hug to the other party and make up and let the unhappiness flow with time."

I really dunno why either.
How many times do you want me to do it?
Have you ever done it before?

I dun remember if you ever promised me you'll always be there for me.
But if you ever did, I rather not remember that you did.
It always pondered to me, if we were not in the same school, how often or how much time we will spend together.
Leave alone even my Birthday, what about my squash finals, my music performances?
Were you even ONCE there?



"WORDS ARE CHEAP.
AND
PROMISES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN."

The FIRST time you said "I will", gazing into both my eyes, your seriousness and sincerity warmth my heart of assurance. (I will always remember that look of yours)
And you,further reassuring me of that feeling, I was going to give everything to this eternity of ours.
Aren't you the first to break it and shatter all of that?
I was strong despite you shut me and US out totally for a month.
Even people around me never stood by me for the purpose of the fight.
But I persevered because I loved and I saw those eyes of yours.
Over the moon that we were back together but I guess the SECOND time happened, yet is you again.
Amazingly you want me to be who I was back then. Sorry but I am weak myself.
And when you wanted to come back, I cannot be less than that it seems I am the one fighting and trying to keep the fire burning.
And the story goes on... everything its about me this, me that, me like this, me like that, me do this, me do that, me never do this and me never do that.
Was there ever a time its about you?

I guess I want to add on to this sentence, "FEELINGS ARE NOTHING BUT YOUR OWN WISHFUL THINKING."

... even till the very end, its still about me ...



"who had said communication will lead you through a better relationship with your lover and friends?
i think its all bull-shit."

Did we ever communicated?
Oh we did communicate?
Or was that called blaming immediately instead?
It never did was a communication when it all started and already settled that "I am in the wrong."



"Always look for someone who is true to you, be it a friend, a playmate, a lover, a soulmate,.
Someone who quarrels with you but the cold war doesnt last more than 24hours.
Someone who apologies to you even he/she is not at fault.
Someone who apologies coz he/she knows he has hurt you from the way you sound.
Someone who would overlook all these.

GREATER EXPECTATIONS COME WITH GREATER DISAPPOINTMENT."

Since when was I never true to you? Right until the very last moment when I have nothing to hold on to, who was I still fighting for?
How many times do you want me to keep fighting when all you always do is hang our relationship by the thread.
Making the term "Break up" seems so simple and everytime you mention that, I am expected to fight again.

Am I not the one who doesn't want cold war more than 24 hours? For simple fact I cannot bear to see us in such state. My Pain.
Have I not apologized enough? My Pride.
Have I not overlooked enough? Lie to myself that you are not, My Feeling.
To all the guys out there, you must remember this statement which is very true, Greater Expectations Come With Greater Disappointment.
Precisely I cared too much, I apologized too much and I overlooked too much that it became taken granted for.
These will forever keep building up - Greater Expectations.
You will fail one day when you finally run dry and the result? Greater Disappointment.

And I have seen it for myself:
Never apologize if its never your fault.
Never brush away those unsettled unhappiness.

And with the 2 new sentences I agree with her next important point:

"NEVER ALLOW YOUR HEART TO RULE
COZ IT WILL ALWAYS FAIL ON YOU."

Do not give in just because you love.
Do not let things be just because you still love.

IF YOU REALLY LOVE, DO WHAT IS RIGHT.

I am tired.

***



"all i want is to seek your understanding"

DId you seek my understanding?
Were your messages, "Hey, I am feeling ...", "Hey, I need ..."
Or were they, "Must you do this ...", "Why you cannot ..."



"but just this time, this very time,
when i let my guard down
trusting you to catch me when i fall
and unveil this whole true feelings of mine"

I never ever guarded against US, probably thats why I fell so hard time and time again that I cannot even pick myself up.
I am already squeezed dry.
Did you ever catch me for even once?


"stabbed me a thousand times
caught me off guard totally,"

I am already numb of the stabbings.



"when i spoke from the bottom of my heart
you betrayed my poor heart
telling it that "we're gg by your decision". "

Again you bring up the matter of separation.
What do you want of me again?
Stop you?
Rebutal you?
Start to go into depression and plead you time and time again NOT TO LEAVE ME?
It really do seems like a simple issue to bring up separation time and time again.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT OF ME?

I never did smile from deep inside ever since. Don't know if you even realise.
All I had was myself and my own assurance to hold on to and to fight on.



"you said you were waiting for me to tell you what i want from you
i can only say
i wanted a hug
all these while.
just so to let me know everything will be okay.
from you."

I was waiting, I no longer knew what else I can do.
What's the point of saying all these now when you could have just told me back then.
Have I ever rejected you of anything you wanted?
Have I ever not done anything you want me to do?
Have I not tried hard enough to be what you want me to be?
Have I not done and tried my VERY BEST?

***

You wanted a world that there is only US.
I gave up everyone around me. Even my closest guys you did not like me to spend late nights with them
I gave them up.
In school who else do I have other than Junyi?
No one.


You rejected my squash participation.
I became inactive in NTU squash. I left everything with Ben Toh and tried to do the minimal.
I never go down for Safra Trainings anymore ended up I hardly played for the league due to my incompetence.
I gave up one of my squash Finals simply because it was "our Saturday"
Every Thrusday I will make sure I drive to school so that I could send you out after school before my training and
so I did not have to stay over in Ben Toh's Room so that the next morning I could still go school with you.
Even when I am playing squash, I have to constantly worry about not replying you which will deem "You no longer is important".


You wanted to join a CCA.
I know you will want me in it along with you.
Never really wanted to but you took up Secretary of Piano Ensemble.
I became the Music Director of Piano Ensemble, ended up I have so much to do.
Eventually it seems like I was attending all the meetings but where were you?

I will not forget the duet we performed at Esplanade. It was like my dream since young with the one you love.


Academic.
I never left you behind in any aspect.
Have I not been there?
You knew everything I knew.
I would make sure that your lab finishes before I complete mine even if I were to cripple my own labs.
I hate waking up at 830am but I would just to book labs and do them together with you.
Thank you for always providing tutorial answers for me.


US.
I could not bear the fact that since we are in the same school, same course, same timetable that is equivalent to us spending time.
Holiday? We only met once a week, every Saturday.
Any other days? We cannot even sit down to have a simple meal.
We never talked on the phone, and smses were countable with 1 hand within a day.
Is this even a decent relationship?


***

I cried when I have seen all that you have wrote. And this is why so...
These were tears of self-disappointment.
The many times I read of the 2 post you had, the more I look down on myself. Useless.
I have put in to the every extend of my effort much more than I could possibly give but yet things turn out this way still.

Sorry, but deep down I really think I am not good enough for you.
For simple fact, I have loved and I have failed.
That I had became a passer-by in your life.

Thank you and finally like you have said it, g-o-o-d-b-y-e to both you and me and to the many others that were created by US.
I will forget all the created names but one, the one on my bed always, for she is now my most precious belonging.

And in reply to your message if you do ever see this too, those things I have given you are yours and for you to deal with. If you have decided on what to do with them go ahead with it, they are yours to begin with.



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And I ask myself, how am I possibly going to do it? Can I? Will time really heal or it has already been a scar deep within?
Will scars ever disappear?

S.E.N.S - Future, Forbidden Love (Forever my favourite)
Guang Liang - Tong Hua (Forever for you only will it be)